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But more important than any words we use is our
attitude. If our attitude is not one of compassion, then whatever we say will
be experienced by the child as phony or manipulative. It is when our words
are infused with our real feelings of empathy that they speak directly to
a child's heart.
Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish,
"How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk"
Words, and the way that they are used, have a tremendous impact on children.
It is often the volume, the tone of voice, and the rate of speech that children
use to decide whether or not they will respond. Parents can teach themselves
to speak in ways that are respectful to children and are, at the same time,
very effective in communicating positively to the child and having the child
respond accordingly.
Non-Helpful Ways We Talk to Children
The following list is from "How to Talk so Kids will Listen and
Listen so Kids will Talk" by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. Highly recommended
reading.
- Blaming and Accusing
"Why do you always do that? What's the matter with you anyway? Can't you ever
do anything right?"
- Name-Calling
"How dumb can you get? Boy, that's really a stupid thing to do! The way you
eat is disgusting! Your room is so filthy; you live like an animal!"
- Threats
"If you do that again, you're going to get it! Come right now or I'm going
to leave you behind!"
- Commands
"Hurry up! Sit still! Don't do that! Do it right now! What are you waiting
for? Move!"
- Lecturing and Moralizing
"Nice boys don't say things like that! If you had any manners you wouldn't
do that! If you want someone to be nice to you, you have to be nice to them"
(and on and on it goes).
- Warnings
"Don't do that, you'll get hurt. Wear your jacket or you'll get cold. Watch
out or you'll fall off that!"
- Martyrdom Statements
"Will you stop that; what are you trying to do, make me sick? When you're
a mom, then you'll know how hard it is. You're putting me in my grave!"
- Comparison
"Why can't you be more like your brother? Alex has such nice manners. He
wouldn't eat like a pig!"
- Sarcasm
"You left your homework at school. Wasn't that a brilliant thing to do?" "That's
what you call handwriting? I didn't know you could write gibberish!"
- Prophecy
"You're going to get fired from every job you ever manage to get! You lied
again; nobody is ever going to trust you when you grow up. You are so selfish,
you are never going to have any friends!"
As you read this list, how do you feel? Can you hear yourself in some of the
words? There would not be many parents who would not be guilty of speaking in
this way to their children from time to time. Don't be too hard on yourself.
Resolve to improve your way of speaking to children. One suggestion is to check
yourself to be sure that you are speaking at least as politely as you would
speak to a stranger or a friend. Then, when you are sure that you are at that
level, resolve to speak in loving ways. Remember, the way that you speak to
your children is likely the way that they will speak to their children.
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